Good Night, Sleep Tight

March 6, 2009 at 1:41 pm (Life)

I was attacked by an under-the-bed goblin last night.

I pretty much half-live in the den, where my computer is. The rest of my stuff is in my bedroom, which is next door to here. Getting ready for bed always means I have to wander from the bedroom to the bathroom to the den to the bathroom to wherever else I need to go. This involves a lot of opening and shutting of doors because I am allergic to the dastardly cat I live with. Having him in my room is, to say it nicely, not a good idea because my face would probably swell up and I would die from not being able to breathe.

It was half past twelve when I finally decided to go to bed. I brushed my teeth, ignoring my ghastly reflection in the mirror, washed my face, dug through the cabinet for the tub of Vaseline (Fuck you, my face is super-dry thanks to the weather). When I go to bed, I am the least graceful and attractive thing ever to be beheld. I walk and slump like a schlubby thirteen-year-old boy still half in his sleep-coma. So, after wandering into my room while folding a t-shirt to tuck it away into my drawer, I come to a halt in front of my bed. Suddenly–

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I jump three feet into the air and shriek like a banshee. See, when shit like this happens, my brain is not rational. I automatically go “GOBLIN! SNAKE! BEDBUG! GREMLIN!” instead of rationalizing what the hell might be wrong.

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

My heart pounds as I look down. I catch a glimpse of fat white cat paws. Odin, that nasty little fucker, had somehow snuck into my room. Even though I had always kept the door shut so he could not get in. He lurked under my bed and I am fully convinced his intent was to quietly wait until I slept to smother me. I am not paranoid – I am realistic. This cat is Satan incarnate. Had my feet not come close to him, he would not have started hissing at me, thus giving his position away.

Thank God that cat is not smart, else I would not be here to write this. Bastard. It took a lot of coaxing and a spray bottle to force him out from underneath because he had gotten it into his head that he could still execute his evil schemes.

Seriously. Why do people put up with this kind of crap from some of their pets?

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1 Comment

  1. Raspberry Swirl said,

    That cat’s a fucker. Hilarious story though. And I’d totally think some kind of demon was after me, too.

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